


Still My Lady

by leechaeun



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Probably a happy ending, baek juho - Freeform, i don't want to spoil this for you, probably not, rowoon is a good friend, sf9 juho, zuho - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2019-12-26 07:20:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18278477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leechaeun/pseuds/leechaeun
Summary: Zuho has been working hard his entire career as everyone knows. But before he even become Zuho, SF9's rapper, he was Baek Juho, a trainee, a boy who needed to sacrifice some things to get where he is now. And there is one decision that he keeps on regretting until now, a 'sacrifice' he thought was the best but after he did it, he kept on thinking it was not.His decision to run away from her, to break her heart together with his own, to leave the woman who believed in him through the years, to let go of the best thing that happened in his life.Will things ever be the same?Can he go back?Does he deserve her?





	1. The Song

**Oh you’ll still be**  
Still pretty pretty pretty  
  
_Shit. This song. Again._  
I remember when they presented this song to us. I remember feeling shattered, all over again. It's like this song was made to taunt me, to rub more salt to the ever-fresh wound that is my heart, my soul.  
  
  
**I can’t eat, I’m dying**  
I feel you even to my bones, I’m dying  
Tonight, you’re so bittersweet  
  
_Yeah, right. It's been years but I still can't eat properly everytime I'm alone, everytime my mind drifts to her, and that happens almost everyday. Funny because people see us as a group who eats A LOT. I do. But not when I'm alone. I can't find the strength. We used to eat together. You used to check on me everytime. It's true what others say that you can't appreciate someone enough until you lose them. I'm dying. That's what it feels like everytime I close my eyes. Ironic because no one knows how dying actually feels but I assumed it was like this because it's almost too unbearable._  
  
  
**I won’t be a loser and look at your Instagram**  
Feeling like this alone, what should I do?  
  
_But I am. I am a loser. I always find a way to believe that maybe, someday, sometime, we can go back to how things were. That maybe, I can be that person in your photos with you. What should I do? I'm lost without you._  
  
  
**Hey where you at**  
What do you expect from me?  
  
_Where are you? I can't find my way home._  
  
  
**Woo, I saw that person next to you**  
My heart aches but there’s a smile on my face  
You guys look good together  
  
_But we looked good too, didn't we? It could've been me. Hell, it should've been me. Is my heart going to be this broken forever?? To be honest, I don't think I'll mind if it is for you, if it's because of you._  
  
  
**You’re still pretty, still beautiful**  
I can’t believe it  
  
_Will anyone ever be prettier than you? Is there anyone as amazing as you? I doubt it. You were my everything. You still are._  
  
  
**I feel like crap, wherever I go**  
I’m afraid of my days without you  
  
_I'm always afraid. But the thought of you also gets me through the day. Thank you._  
  
  
**Oh my lady still my lady**  
You disappeared like smoke  
  
_My lady.. I really think this song was really for me. I loved calling you my lady because you were the only one for me. You disappeared like smoke because I decided to put out the fire. I won't forgive myself._  
  
  
**Wherever I go, it’s you, I’m going crazy**  
But when I turn around, I can’t see you  
You’re still  
  
_Can't I really go back?_  
  
  
**Why was I such a fool (so pretty)**  
Why did I let you go? (you’re still)  
I keep regretting  
I’m still confused  
If it’s you or me (you’re still)  
  
_Why? Just.. why?? It seemed like the best decision back then but now, I am almost sure it was not. I should have stayed. I should have hold on tight. I should have realized my life without you. Regrets fill my heart. Confusion makes my head haywire. If it's still you and me..._  
  
  
**Your pretty smile (so pretty)**  
Drives me crazy tonight (you’re still)  
Dazzling and pretty  
I’m still confused  
If it’s you or me  
  
_Was it you? Or me? I should have run to you and hug you. Or you should have looked for me. Or maybe I should have seen the look in your eyes. Or, you should have heard my heart shatter. But, does it matter? At the end of the day, I'm lost._  
  
  
**I didn’t know how to love**  
I just thought you were my destiny at first sight  
You always brightened and scented my nights  
Like a candle, your lips were deep and sweet  
  
_I didn't know until I met you. You taught me how, you showed me I can. You gave my nights more meaning. I felt stronger in your arms. Our kisses.. I always get lost in them but be home at the same time. The feeling of your skin to mine, I can live in that ecstasy forever._  
  
~~_Until we decided to let go._~~  
  
  
**On this night without you, regret from that day washes over**  
My room is dark and your candle has melted  
  
_On this night. It's like every other night after that one. I wish I've done things differently. I wish I was brave enough not to let you go. My room is dark but so is my life._  
  
  
**How are you doing? Hope you’re not struggling like me**  
Cause I’ll take all your pain for you  
  
_I will if I can. I just hope you were not as miserable as I am. I hope those smiles are real. I hope that person treats you better than I did. Or am I just trying to be nice? My genuine wish is that I never leave your heart, that I am still the best part of you._  
  
  
**Woo, I saw that person next to you**  
My heart aches but there’s a smile on my face  
You guys look good together  
  
_In my mind, we still looked better together._  
  
  
**You’re still pretty, still beautiful**  
I can’t believe it  
  
_Always._  
  
  
**I feel like crap, wherever I go**  
I’m afraid of my days without you  
  
_Will I ever be fine?_  
  
  
**Oh my lady hold me lady**  
You disappeared like smoke  
  
_I hope the fire we had didn't die. Because it keeps on burning in me. It keeps me sane. It keeps me going._  
  
  
**Wherever I go, it’s you, I’m going crazy**  
But when I turn around, I can’t see you  
You’re still  
  
_My lady._    
  
  
**Rain is falling,**  
Drenching me  
Forget it get it get it you  
You ruined me oh  
  
_You ruined me? This is the one line in this song that's wrong. You will never ruin me. You believed in me when no one thought I can make it. You fixed me. You keep me sane even if you're far away and not mine anymore._  
  
  
**Lonely on this night**  
I’m just singing this song I used to sing for you  
Inside my head  
  
_On this night. It's like every other night after that one. I keep remembering your smile everytime I sing, everytime I put a tune on some words I managed to put together, even if most of them were gibberish. Your eyes always told me you love me. I hope mine did the same.._  
  
  
**You’re still pretty, still beautiful**  
I can’t believe it  
I feel like crap, wherever I go  
I can’t stand it without you  
  
_How did I managed without you for years? Keeping myself busy. Work and being tired keeps me from thinking about you. But.. not tonight. Not most of the nights._  
  
  
**Oh my lady hold me lady**  
I don’t wanna leave ever again  
  
_Can't we really go back? I want to run to you and hold you tight. I want to hear you say you won't leave my side. I want to assure you that it'll still be us, that you're still mine._  
  
  
**In my past memories**  
I turn around but I can’t see you  
You’re still  
  
_My lady._  
  
**Why was I such a fool (so pretty)**  
Why did I let you go? (you’re still)  
I keep regretting  
I’m still confused  
If it’s you or me (you’re still)  
  
**Your pretty smile (so pretty)**  
Drives me crazy tonight (you’re still)  
Dazzling and pretty  
I’m still confused  
If it’s you or me  
 

  
The song ended. But my mind is still somewhere far. I sighed. I wish I can call you and tell you my worries right now. I want to hear you say that I'll get through this, that you'll help me get through it.

A knock brought me back from my thoughts. Rowoon's head is suddenly on the door.  
  
"Okay, so I knocked after I heard the song is done. You're thinking about her again?" he asked.  
  
I nodded. He know me so well and I'm forever grateful for that. I looked up to see him smiling sadly.  
  
"Your brother is here. You gonna be okay?" he said.  
  
"Yes. It'll just be a few weeks of rest. I'll be back once I feel better. I really wish you guys the best. I'll stream too!", I said while making my way downstairs.  
  
"That's not what I meant and you know it," he gave me that knowing look.  
  
I stopped. I forgot how this guy can literally see through me.  
  
I smiled and shrugged . "I'm actually hoping I can bump into her. I just want to see her again."  
  
"I know, I know. Relax," I said cutting him off before he even starts scolding me, again. "I won't do anything stupid. I'll rest and be back here in no time."  
  
I waved at him and made my way to the car where my brother is waiting.

  
****_"But I really wish I can see her,"_  I whispered, making sure he didn't hear anything.


	2. Home, Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He's home, almost.

Home, Almost  
  
Three days since I came home. Everything is the same, almost...

  
I am lying on my bed now, alone for what feels like the first time since I came back. I was busy since I arrived, from helping my mom, to chatting with dad and my brother to doing minimal house chores. And just like a programmed application, my mind drifted to her. I can't help it, she has been in this same room a couple of times before. Some of her things are still here, well-kept but I never put them away. I didn't want to move them because I'm afraid it'll erase her trace in my room, in my life and I was not ready for that then. No. I am not ready even now.  
  
The photos on my bedside cabinet are still here. One of them is a family photo and the other one is us looking happy. Both of my hands on either side of her head, my lips on her temple, my eyes screaming happy and a big smile on her face as she snapped the photo. It was taken right after our graduation ceremony, the same day we learned that she got accepted in her dream university. I am so proud to be hers and her to be mine. Back then, it seems like everything was going our way. I was training to achieve my dreams, she is going to college to pursue her passion and most of all, we were together. I felt invincible.  
  
I sighed. I am starting to think that being home and alone is a bad idea. I can't do anything now so my mind will keep on doing this goddamn torture. I need to have some fresh air.  
  
I am making my way outside when I heard my mom asking, "Are you finally going to see Hyemi?"  
  
I stopped abruptly. I forgot my parents don't know how things ended up with us.. to be fair, I don't even know how to call it. All I know is that I broke both of our hearts.  
  
"No, just going out for a walk," I said before kissing her cheeks.  
  
The cold breeze is more than welcome. I kept walking without any definite destination. Or so I thought.

 

_“I was thinking, maybe I can get a dorm that will be close to yours when you make it? I mean, I know you won’t be allowed to see me often but it’ll provide the fantasy that I’m always close,” she said while absentmindedly running her thumb to my knuckles. She looks so deep in thought so I took the chance to observe her features. I’ve done this a lot of times already but I can’t seem to have enough._  
  
_I hummed in response which she took as a disinterested answer._  
  
_“I, uh, I.. I’m sorry if I am getting way ahead in my head, if you don’t want me close by then, I would just get one outside the campus,” she said looking down and my heart aches, feeling the urge to hold her close._  
  
_Instead, I grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me, “I always want you close, Hyemi. We’ve been together for almost three years, I thought I made that pretty clear.”_  
  
_It pains me to see her insecure, to see her doubt herself over and over again. She accidentally voiced it out to me one time, how she thinks I deserve a ‘better, prettier’ girl but I thought I kissed those worries away, saying I already have the best one with me._

_She smiled but I know the doubt is still eating her._  
  
_An idea hit me, it’s crazy but at the moment, I don’t care. If it will tone down her insecurity, I will do it, no matter how crazy and rash it sounds. I kneeled in front of her. I smiled seeing her eyes widened then took the knuckle ring I am wearing._  
  
_"You look cute right now," I started just to get her relax for a bit. Nothing changed. Hyemi's still staring at me like it's the first time she's seeing me for real. She tried to say something but nothing came out when she opened her mouth._

_She’s too cute._

  
_"Okay, here goes nothing. I want to give this ring to you as a reminder that I will always look forward to the day when we both achieved our dreams and we can be together every single day. This should remind you that you are enough, that you are the best one for me, that my home is with you. I will wait for that day, whatever happens in between. You have my heart. And this ring," I said as I put the ring on her left thumb.. and it doesn't fit. It's too big. Well, shit. Too much for being romantic._  
  
_Hyemi laughed. She stared at the ring that is too big for any of her fingers then grabbed my hand to help me stand up. She hugged me, her head on my chest. "Is that a proposal?"_  
  
_"Something like that. I prefer the word promise though," I whispered, hugging her back. We stayed like than for quite some time until I suddenly felt my shirt getting wet._  
  
_"Hey, hey, are you crying?" I pulled away from the hug, just enough to stare at her and her tear-stained eyes._  
  
_"I'm just..so so so happy. God, I love you,” she said. My heart was filled with that familiar warmth I get every time she declares her love for me. I wanted to say I love her too but those words don’t feel enough so I brought my lips down to hers and kissed her. She was surprised for a moment but she started melting to the kiss as I poured all the emotions, the love, the care, the trust I have for her, for us. That moment was perfect._

  
  
I smiled at the memory. It happened exactly at this place. I sighed. I really need to see her. I want to explain, I want another chance, I want to keep my promise if she still feels the same way. I hope she does.  
  
So much for getting my head cleared. I walked to the swing and sat. I looked around, trying to get the familiar feeling back. It feels like home. Well, almost. I sat there for minutes, probably hours. I really lost track of time until my old phone rang. The caller ID is an old friend, Subin. I answered.  
  
“Hey,” I said as I stood up from the swing.  
  
“Yow, bumped into your brother and heard you’re back home. Want to come over? The old club's here,” Subin said. Sure enough, I can hear voices in the background.  
  
I hesitated. If the old club is there, then Hyemi would also be there..  
  
"Yeah.. but I can't. I need to rest, it's the whole point of my break," I said, immediately regretting the words the moment they left my mouth.  
  
Subin sighed and said they can just visit me over the weekend. I agreed since I missed their company.  
  
I ended the call and put my head on my hands, mentally cursing myself. Why did I decline? I want to see her so bad but what did I just do? I avoided a chance. I made an excuse. After all this time, I'm still the coward I was back then.

  
Defeated in my own mental struggle, I stood up and traced my way back home. I am too absorbed in my self-pity and self-blame that I didn't notice the figure fidgeting in front of our house until I am a two houses away..

  
It can't be.

  


No.  
  
I am imagining people now.  
  
But..  
  
I'd know that shadow anywhere.  
  
How?  
  
Why?  
  
Not trusting my balance and sanity, I took tentative steps towards the figure, my mind clouded with questions.  
  
When I am beside her, she looked up and that was all it took for my heart to shatter in pieces again.  
  
The look she gave me was not the warm, loving one I remembered.  
  
Who am I kidding? Of course it won't be loving anymore but it surprised me that it's not anger or unfamiliarity. My hope that I was the only one suffering until now was crashed.  


 

She’s lost. And it broke me even more.


End file.
